TWO WEEKS OLD TODAY

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.” Mother Teresa

"Hope is always available to us. When we feel defeated, we need only take a deep breath and say, "Yes," and hope will reappear. Monroe Forester

Mid-day and already I feel like a thousand days have passed. I keep thinking that I have developed a thick skin and then something new happens and I feel like I've shattered to a thousand pieces all over again. Thank goodness I have God, my husband and family/friends to help me pick it all up and start all over.

Sweet Carter is in a very critical state with his lungs today.  He was put back on the oscillator late last night, this machine does 100% of the breathing for him. As I arrived at the hospital early this morning I spoke with the doctor and he said that Carter is not improving which is worrying him. We originally thought once he got his PDA ligation, that his stats would improve, but they have only worsened. So they are thinking he has an infection, either a yeast or fungal infection, in his blood. They are starting him on antibiotic for the fungal in hopes that this will help him.  A yeast infection in the blood for a baby this little is fatal and the medication to treat it is very harsh on the baby’s organs. So let’s pray that the new antibiotics for the fungal infection will make him better!  Carter was also put on a Nitric Oxide machine. This is supposed to help open up the blood vessels in his lungs so it’s easier for him to breath and so the machines don’t have to do all the breathing for him. My poor little boy has all these machine surrounding his bed! It makes me so sad to see my little Carter so out of it (they have him drugged up) He has always been my little boy who is kicking and moving and I hate seeing him so sad!  



He really does have five toes on each foot...



My little peanut Easton is having an okay day. They would like to see him breathing over the ventilator so they are going to lower the help on the machine and see how he does. His tummy is looking much better today and is not so bloated. I got to change his little poopie diaper! I never though I would like changing a poopie diaper so much!!  As I sat by his bedside (closed incubator) and stared at his cute little face, I talk to him. I tell him how much his mommy loves him and tell him soon I will be able hold him and kiss his cheeks. I then saw him open his little tiny eye, and I knew he heard me! I got emotional because I've often wondered, how much pain do they really feel? Are they even aware of what a struggle they are going through? They keep them so sedated, partially so they won't fight their machines and partially so they will sleep and heal, but I still wonder, how much do they comprehend? In those moments I try to vision God holding my babies close and whispering solace to their little spirits. It is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.  

I do have the faith both Carter and Easton will come home someday, the road is going to be a long one but I pray every day that they both will come home in due time and that God will grant them both normal, healthy lives. I hope one day we'll look at our boys and hardly even remember the challenges we had experienced in their early days of life. I hope someday I will have a complete understanding of why they came to us so early.